Dealing with grief

Griefcare funeral directors are caring and compassionate – and helping people cope with their immediate grief is an integral part of what they do.

As experienced professionals working almost on a daily basis with people who are grieving, they can provide useful advice and assistance, and people often derive a great deal of comfort and support from them.

Grieving is a natural response when someone dies. While it is a uniquely personal experience, there are some common patterns associated with grieving, and Griefcare funeral directors are used to helping people deal with these natural reactions.

However, there are times when a person may require ongoing support. In this case, a Griefcare funeral director may refer clients on to a professional grief counsellor, or put them in touch with an appropriate support group in the community.

Journey of grief
Helping children grieve
Where to go for help

Journey of grief

Grieving is a uniquely personal experience, but there are some common patterns:

• Feelings of shock and disbelief which can leave you feeling numb
• Feelings of anger – ‘Why did they leave me?’
• Depression, loneliness and isolation
• Panic - a feeling you cannot cope by yourself
• Physical symptoms - being tired, listless, experiencing aches, palpitations, insomnia, coldness or sweating
• Guilt and regrets – ‘Why didn’t I do more?’ This sense of guilt is often more imagined than real, but does not make death easier to cope with.

These are just some of the reactions associated with grieving, and they are all normal. It is often helpful and reassuring to express your grief in a safe and caring environment. If you would like further support, contact your local Griefcare funeral director.

Helping children grieve

The way children express their grief may be different from adults. It can be spasmodic, so at times they seem ‘back to their old selves’, while at other times they may be extremely withdrawn or angry.

Children often try to hide their grief from their immediate family to protect them from the pain of seeing them cry.

Adults need to provide clear and honest answers to children .s questions. Be factual and avoid euphemisms like ‘passed away’ and ‘sleeping’, because they’re meaningless. Worse still, expressions like ‘taken away from us’ can be frightening for a child.

It is appropriate at the time of death to tell children what is going to happen next. Talk about the funeral arrangements, and let them know people are likely to call and some will be upset, even crying. Explain this is normal. Tears are one way of expressing grief and it’s okay to cry.

Keep them involved. They may want to see the body, and this is normal - children should be given the choice. It may help some children to write a note to place in the casket, or leave a flower or card.

Talk to children at their level, in words they understand. For example, ‘The doctors and nurses couldn’t make Grandad’s body work any more so he died’. Perhaps some reassurance such as ‘Being dead doesn’t hurt’.

Let them come to the funeral – virtually all children who can understand what is happening are able to cope with a funeral and benefit from it. Children need an outlet for their emotions just as adults do.

Get help with the difficult questions. If children need answers to important questions that you cannot provide, professional advice from a grief counsellor will help your child to cope. It is important they understand what is happening, and that they don’t try to suppress their grief.

Where to go for help

Your Griefcare funeral director will be able to put you in touch with local support groups or professionals, and suggest reading material you may find useful. Further contact can be found in the Personal Help Services section of your telephone book.

Griefcare is an initiative of the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand, registered owner of the Griefcare trademark.

[Email info@griefcare.org.nz for more information about Griefcare.]